So it’s been a while...
Maybe you finally downloaded the Dating Apps ™ again and want to get back in the ~groove~ of things. Or just maybe, you’re settling into a new relationship this cuffing season and are looking to bring some fun emojis into your virtual sex life. Either way, here’s our list of tried and true [well, mostly] suggestions — from the (s)experts at Boshemia.
1. Send them a stream of baffling emojis [might we suggest thus: 👽💬🔌, followed by one standalone 💦 to really get things going.
2. Remember kids, there’s nothing sexier than correct use of semicolons 😉
3. Try coming up with a sexy riddle challenge. As everyone knows, inane questions really rev up the libido (and you won’t be walking on two legs in the evening, if you know what I mean 😉)
exhibit A: an unfortunate misuse of a semicolon in an otherwise innocuous text sent to E recently.
4. Be sure to practice safe sexting and use data protection.
5. Struggling for inspiration? Try AO3 or fanfiction.net for some worryingly detailed sexual escapades of various characters. Turns out the One Direction boys are really good at blowjobs. Allegedly. Don’t go too deep though; next thing you know you’ll be sending you lover mpreg sexts.
6. If you’re not feeling up for sharing a cheeky nude, send them instead the opening title sequence to perhaps the greatest television show, The Americans (as seen, aesthetically in several print issues of Boshemia Magazine).
7. When engaging in role play, remember that nothing is sexier than repeating ‘and then…’ and breaking character to ask if your partner is ok to take the lead this time (and every time plz).
8. Make your sexts as vague and abstract [poetic, perhaps?] as possible, so that in the event of a misjudged sext you can easily fabricate your way out of any sexual undertones by letting them think you’re just a fucking weirdo instead. No commitment!! Combine with point 1, emoji use, for best effect.
it’s not a sext, it’s POETRY
9. Just add 😉😘 onto the end of regular sentences and keep them guessing. “Just putting the pasta on 😉😘”
10. Plan meticulously. Nothing whets ones sexual appetite like a sexting schedule.